Porn Addiction

Over the course of my career I’ve helped a wide range of men worried that they have porn addiction. I help them gain a better understanding of their behaviour and its drivers, and more control over their porn watching.  For some men their ultimate goal of treatment is complete abstinence from pornography. Others are more interested in reducing their consumption, or using porn in a more mindful way.

Why Men Worry About Their Porn Consumption

The concerns men have about their porn use are varied.  People can dislike porn because it wastes time, changes what they are attracted to, or makes them think about people they are attracted to in overly sexualised ways. In more severe cases, excessive porn watching can interfere with men’s ability to enjoy or even have sex. People can also feel their porn watching is in conflict with their religious or ethical values. 

Why Quitting Porn is Hard

Changing your relationship with porn on your own can be difficult. Generally, the longer we have been engaging in a habit, the harder it is to break.  Most men started watching porn in early adolescence, and it has been a constant part of their life since then. Even the most consistent gamblers, drinkers or drug users generally haven’t built up such a consistent and longstanding behavioural pattern. Add to this the fact that with smartphones a lapse in willpower only needs to last a second, and you begin to understand the challenges involved.

The feeling of powerlessness that comes from trying and failing to abstain from porn can lead to more distress. For some men porn becomes a symbol of how weak willed and undisciplined they feel. Each time they watch porn is a reminder that they are unable to control their own urges, that there are parts of their character they don’t like, and feel powerless to change.

My Approach In Therapy

One of my goals working with porn addiction  is to help clients understand shame isn’t a useful way of controlling behaviour. Viewing yourself as disgusting might make you desperate to stop watching porn, but it also leaves you feeling powerless. Shame causes you to withdraw from others, become more secretive, and spend more time alone. Ironically, this can make the appeal of porn even stronger. As the famous Rat Park experiment teaches us, addictive behaviours are more appealing in a barren and isolated environment. A lonely and depressed man will find porn more appealing than a man with a rich and fulfilling life.

Instead, a more holistic and compassionate approach is generally helpful. Invariably, people who struggle with addictive behaviours have other problems that warrant attention. Whether it’s loneliness, depression, job stress, or relationship issues, understanding their behaviour in a wider context allows them to develop both self-compassion, and a better understanding of how they can change. Generally, this will also involve more openness and honesty with the people in their lives. It is difficult to change a behaviour that you are also hiding from the world.

Porn and Sexuality

To be clear, porn isn’t only appealing if you are unhappy. More broadly, even at their happiest and most fulfilled, men will often have aspects of their sexuality that trouble them. They will fantasize about other women while being in monogamous relationships, be attracted to women much younger than them, or be drawn to sexual fetishes that disturb them. Accepting these urges exist, while having the confidence that they can choose not to act on them is a key part of coming to terms with their sexuality.